The Anxiety Train

One of the most nerve racking things for me until recently was going on public transport. It was a nightmare for me as I didn't have any control of the time I got there and how crowded it was. I will explain further what I mean.

It all started on the bus to work which I would take at about 7:15 am to get to work on time. At a point I didn't feel anxious of public transport and was fine with taking a bus or train but it all started when my temporary contract changed to a zero hour contract. When I was going to work starting my Zero hour contract I would get these really bad stomach cramps and a feeling of not wanting to be on the bus and needing to get off.

It was due to the distance and time it would take just to get to work. By car it would take about 20 minutes but on the bus it would be more 40 minutes or so. Then the anxiety came just before I took the bus but when I was getting ready and being worried I wouldn't make the bus and would be late. Then the other problem  is that the bus would be late and at one point was early and I missed the bus entirely, which made me worry that I would lose my job. It was essentially a snowball effect of worry as me being worried would make me later for the bus and thus more anxiety about missing the bus.

For the control of time I get there, I would estimate that it was a 50/50 chance of the train being on time to where I wanted to go. If it didn't get there on time I would start to panic as I wanted to get home, to work or somewhere else. The thing is I like to make plans so I have a sense of control, a sort of coping mechanism. But when the bus or trains starts to run late, some of the things that run through my mind are; will I make the connection, how late am i going to be, is there some other way I can get there, if i go somewhere to clam myself down will it get here .

The number of times I visit my partner and I am taking the train down and on one of the connections I wouldn't be able to sit down because the train is crowded. Standing up on a train for lets say 20 mins until the next connection and hoping that I can sit down or have less people around me. It is uncomfortable and I used to take Rescue Remedy capsules (herbal remedy), thinking it would make it better (reason I had them was for exams I had been doing before). At this point I should point out that you shouldn't self medicate with anxiety. I would recommend talking to your GP as they are better to advise.

So what advice can I give if you are anxious about public transport? Honestly keep going. Never give up. You are Awesome and never forget it :)

Everything is Awesome :)

In Hospital: Remember your Favourite Things

Hospitals aren't really a place that anyone wants to go to. However they are the best places to be when you are physically ill or you are trying to find out what is wrong but for anyone, especially people with anxiety, its a place we want to avoid at all costs.

For me its always the waiting which makes me the most nervous, especially for procedures. More so if its the first procedure of  something you haven't had before. As you don't know what is going to happen or what you will need to do. One story that I can recall was my first lumber puncture test in hospital. I was lying on my side thinking 'Oh God what's it going to feel like' and 'Is it going to hurt?'. I remember vividly there was a lot of to and froing, getting the medial information, anaesthetic, more staff etc. And the whole time I was going 'Just get it over and done with'. As by that point I had mentally prepared myself for the needle, had my iPod with a track list and was thinking about all the things I am going to do after its done (and Yes the whole 'Favourite Things' song does apply here). But after the experience comes the feeling of 'What was I worried about? That wasn't so bad' The hospitals will do everything to try and reduce the discomfort and pain as much as they can. They aren't villains in the old films or TV shows twirling their moustaches

You won't get any of this in hospitals

The other story which relates to the wait anxiety is the appointment with the consultant. You go to that waiting room again psyching yourself up waiting for the appointment or they are running behind, waiting until your appointment becomes available. It's the whole 'Is it good news or bad news?' Unfortunately you cant control all the ailments your body has and until the doctor tells you what news you have, you cant do anything more. Which I know is easier said than done (and when I have an appointment some day I will still be worrying in the waiting room). But whenever I have an MRI scan or blood test and I start getting worried my partner reminds me that there isnt anything more you can do, just carry on as best as you can. 

When waiting for a procedure do what you need to make yourself feel better and tell the doctors/nurses your concerns as they are there to make you feel better. So at the end of the day what can I say: Remember your favourite things and then you wont feel, so bad. 

The Internal War

I could have lead onto many topics but thought this would be best. We all have different things we have to face with anxiety. Some of us have panic attacks, social avoidance, nausea, dizziness, urge to go to the toilet, insomnia, the list is so long that I would need a separate post to list them all. Even then I bet there would be some things which I didn't list people go through. 

For me public transport and being in crowded areas (so being in town and Saturday was a no go for me). Obviously avoiding public transport was not an option as I usually needed to take a bus or a train (or both) to work. At times I did want to take a taxi to work rather than putting myself through the anxiety,but paying out £20 each day to get to work wasn't really an option. I would usually get cramps in my stomach, nervous, sweating, wanting to know the closest place to be alone. Obviously this will not apply to everyone but its nerve racking (pun not intended). 

A lot of the times I knew I shouldn't be so worried, but trying to tell yourself that wasn't always enough. I would have to try and distract myself (with music, Youtube videos, Gameboy etc), as it would make the trip bearable. Sometimes it require a bit of preparation and a little distraction to get you by when things get a bit tough. This is the internal war some people face because we are feeling anxious when we don't want to be anxious which in itself can make us more anxious.

Crowded places are quite bad for me too. I don't like going into town on a weekend and would try and go in after work or do my shopping online. However it's a gradual process of going into one shop to begin with and then increasing the time you are there. Trying to have a back up plan if I didn't feel comfortable, like a coffee shop, place that you know well or  the quickest way to get out of town. Also rewarding yourself helps, so getting coffee if you go into town helps or buying yourself a nice little something; It all helps!

It does sometimes feel like you are fighting a losing battle but you can win, you just need to keep going and pushing yourself. The little things like taking a new route, being in a crowded space for a minute more are steps to overcoming your anxiety. 

It does sometimes feel like you are fighting a losing battle but you can win. It's all about finding strategies, coping mechanisms and the determination. I'm still going through it but when you have those tools, tools that work for you, it helps to makes it a lot easier. 

Humble Beginnings

Welcome to Jittery Jitters! The blog for everything anxiety related.

I have been coping with anxiety for as long as I can remember. It has been a 'rollercoaster'! At times it has been unbearable and at times it has been in the background. But all the way through I have had to find ways to cope. 

The reason I started this blog was to hopefully help people by sharing my experience of anxiety and it isn't just a case  of 'getting over it'. If you do have anxiety you are not alone. Sometimes it feels as though you are the only one going through this but there are plenty of people who struggle everyday and hopefully reading through this might help. 

Watch this space for more updates.